Just talking to myself…

I need somebody to talk to…with RG in the states, I basically have to contend myself with the sms and the short emails. He has been very busy there and I understand why. I do not take it against him at all! I understand! However, i want him back!!!!
Just last night, i was watching at our AVP 3x…maybe when i am done with this i will watch again…Thats how I miss him.
With RG traveling almost every week, I assumed that I wouldn’t be so affected. But being halfway across where i am is a totally different story. The time zone is different, the weather is different…everything is different.
I had a very full day today. But i come home to an empty house. Well, Yaya Jovy is there but empty in a sense that I have nobody to share my day with. I have always been a good listener. I love listening to RG’s stories of the day. He sometimes complain because i always ask him to talk and talk and talk. Now, I long for the moment that i can just blab away and rant…I miss our endless conversations. I miss that night where we would just laugh and laugh til our tummies spasm from all the laughing…I miss just turning on to the other side of the bed and have somebody to hug. I miss waking up with him hugging me tight.
Just two more days and he will be home. I cannot wait to smell him, to hug him and to spend sleepless nights just talking about our dreams, plans and goals. I miss him soooo much!

its 2:32 am and i cannot sleep! blame it on the strong san mig coffee i tried to gulp down after dinner….what was i thinking????
well, i just turned 27 this week and i find it funny because i am 3 years away from 30 and i still feel the same…i know i have different wants…different needs and different dreams but if i dig deeper, i am still the same! i always thought that people who are at this age feel differently…like they’re old or something….but i feel the same when i turned 20…is this weird? or is this just my hormones going haywire mixed with caffeine??? hehe
well, let me just blab…after all this is my blog and no one would probably want to read this or i might just be sane enough to delete this when i wake up later…but nevertheless, i need to be doing something right now or else my mind which is racing very fast (caffeine induced) might lead me to do something insane….like call a sleeping friend…or drink more coffee! hehe
how i wish rg was here beside me…i’d probably wake him up and start a conversation…i’d probably piss him off that way because sleep is precious for him…unlike the nocturnal me…i can stay up all night but i have a hard time getting up in the morning….i wish office hours where 1pm-1am….thats fine with me! i should probably work in a call center then.
Okay so no you think im crazy…really! i am just typing away to keep myself entertained…
so now….i learned one valuable lesson tonight. NEVER DRINK COFFEE AT NIGHT ON THE FIRST DAY OF YOUR PERIOD ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU DO NOT HAVE A HUSBAND BESIDE YOU…OR ELSE, YOU WILL HAVE A HORMONALLY IMBALANCED LADY WITH A CAFFEINE HIGH!!! YAHOOOOOO!
somebody sedate me!!!!!!!

As I was looking for that damn worldperks cards (which i haven’t found by the way) and as i was going through the stuff in my drawer, i came through that oh so familiar brown, felt notebook. I knew i was late for work so i stuffed it in my bag mentally remembering to read it during lunch.

I read through the diary during lunch i couldn’t put it down. Reading my old entries…Mush, Bigs and Brad’s insane entries transported me back to that corner in e106 where i felt safe for 3 years. I could even recall how it smelled and how hot it was. I could not imagine how we all survived aircon-less for that long!!!

The room diary was a journal we all shared. We were suppose to write on it in sequential order but sometimes, either one of us can just hog it and write pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and emotions. It was our way to keep in touch, share our innermost thoughts to each other just in case we were too busy to sit down and talk about it. 6 years down the road, i get my hands on it and it brings tears, smiles and memories. I am so happy i got to read it again. It was a good idea to have that one on our last 2 years together. Its something we can all physically hold on to as we remember the times the four of us had.

To the people who made it in that diary, thank you for making our (Ayee, Brad, Biggy and Mushu) lives more colorful. Thank you for the adventures and the misadventures. Thank you for the memories. You will never know if you made it there or not because we will never tell…but if in case at one point we liked you, loved you, adored you, spent time with you, dated you, fantasized about you OR hated you, loathed you, fought you, screamed at you, talked about you…then, you can start assuming. hehe =)

G’s, i miss you sooooooo much!!!

With some friends just married and a few more getting married in the next few months, I am faced with the same old problem of losing weight! I saw my pictures during Brad’s wedding and the dress was beautiful…However, I did not do much justice. Sorry Philip!!! hehe =) The whole time, my over confidence made me feel sexy wearing it but when I saw the pictures…I thought, I must have the wrong body image of myself!!! I felt thinner than my actual size. So i vowed to shed the excess weight…I try my best to catch a glimpse of the once 200+ pounder Sharon Cuneta to her current slimmer figure…To inspire me that if she can do it, so can i! Exactly 58 days down the road, people around me started to tell me i lost weight…Yup! weighing scale says that I dropped 15 stubborn pounds! Yahoooo! Not bad considering I have a deadline of December/January for Christine and Nina’s wedding…I love Nesvita! hahaha!

But more than the aesthetics, I am able to reflect about my own wedding…or more importantly, at my own marriage. I had a beautiful wedding…my pictures where amazing…my waistline was 27 on my wedding day and it was very memorable. Hubby and i went through a lot before saying our I Do’s and we knew we wanted that wedding more than anyone in this world. After the beautiful wedding, the princess in a white gown woke up in an oversized pajama with a blotched eye make-up! I woke up with some guy beside me… I looked at him peacefully asleep and i knew real life had just begun.

Every fairy tale always ends with a long and romantic kiss…and they lived happily ever after…fade out! The author forgot to write what came after the kiss…He forgot to write the annoying habits of the prince or the fights they had to endure or the times when the princess had to clean and cook because they had no servants or the diapers they had to change or the sleepless nights they had to spend when the baby is sick…The story makes us believe that everything ends with that kiss…and everything will be fine after that long and romantic kiss…On the contrary, the kiss is the beginning of it all. I am not saying that marriage is miserable! No of course not! I can say a hundred beautiful things about being married. But it sure does take a lot of effort to make it work…It is not as easy as it seems in the fairy tale we used to read…It is more than that.

Working with other parents I learn about their stories and experiences. Most of the mommies I get to talk to always seem to have lost their identities…Most of them are too scared to let their children grow up because most of them feel that their life would lose its reason for existence. It makes me sad to know that whenever I ask about their husbands, it is almost as if they live separate lives…How did this happen? Will this happen to me too? 3 ½ years after the I Do’s I am able to reflect about my own life…maybe to re-assess how it has been and try to figure out how I want to live the rest of my life.

I realized that it is very important to get married for the right reasons. It should not be because of pregnancy, longevity or convenience. It should not be because of the kids but because of both of you. It should be because you want to be with each other. Cliché as it may sound (Thanks to Adam Sandler!), it should be because you want to grow old with each other because at the end of the day, when the kids have left for college and both of you are left to have breakfast alone in that once noisy house, you are in agreement that this is how life should be. Your happiness as a couple should not depend on the kids…it should be because of both of you. The kids will go…they will have their own lives. But marrying him is the life you have built for yourself. Somewhere in between the bill payments, the budgeting and the busy work a day world, it is very important to connect with each other…To spend time to talk and enjoy each other and always get to know each other because when everybody has left the house, all you have is each other. The scariest part is when you are left with someone you have lived with for the past 30 years and you do not know who he is or you do not like what he has become…always go back to the question…why did I get married? Being conscious of that basic question you have to answer 30, 40, 50 years from now will help you build that relationship after that loooong and romantic kiss!!! =) It all starts there…

When i was walking around megamall last friday, i felt my heart cringe….the all too familiar smell transported me back to 1998! Megamall was part of a life I lived that i got to share with 3 wonderful people. Instantly, i remembered the times when brad, mushu, biggy and i would troop down to see a movie. I passed by the Levi’s store where Brad and I spent a few thousand buying 2 pairs of jeans each which made us broke for the rest of the week…Passing by the stores and being able to breath that distinct megamall smell made want to cry…Of course i did not want to see my other friends see me sniff sniff so i distracted myself with the pain my heels were giving me.

1997 started a new chapter in my life. I hated living in manila! I went home almost every chance i can get…and i knew i was looking forward to the day i graduated….One time, we were out with Jojo (a senior then) and we were telling him how miserable we felt…he then told us to enjoy every minute of it because he knew we will definitely miss it…for a time, i thought it was impossible! How the hell will I miss those tricycle rides and endless budgeting of my allowance? He was wrong!!! or so i thought!

2006, i woke up pretty early today because i had to bring something in the office…I went straight back home and checked my email…i was scanning through my friends list and came across brad’s new wedding pictures…i felt that same knot in my tummy again…mushu’s offline message did not help because she said she was emotional in NY…I am waiting for Biggy to log in since i know she is stuck at home preggy with her 2nd baby…we have grown up so fast…it makes me sad to see how we live separate lives….for 3 straight years, we lived together as one room…as one E106 (with EmEm of course)….Jojo was right after all!!!! i trully miss the trike rides to mcdo!!! I miss being broke…I miss hearing brad say…."Yee, we have to withdraw! I only have 50 bucks in my wallet" I miss you my G’s!!! There were too many insane memories to remember…bottomline is, i miss all of you! With almost all of us married and mushu halfway across the world, things aren’t the same…but i know for sure that our friendship stays….i hope we can volt in soon! Maybe we can go to Biggy’s while she is bedresting…Brad, i miss the sound of your annoying blowdry early in the morning….Mushu, I miss watching you sleep complete with your backpack, shoes and folder. Biggy, I miss the night you defended me (hihihi!).

Nevertheless, I hate Manila!!!! Not because i feel homesick being away from Cebu but because I found a home in that chaotic world…it brings back too many beautiful insane memories i hold close to my heart…I hate Manila!!!!

i just got back from a weekend with the bruhas…it was a weekend intended to be a break for all of us who have been so busy living our daily lives…but it was more than that…

More than anything, it was a weekend of self-discovery for me. I got to know myself even more…I learned to appreciate the simpler things in life…I got to know more of my friends of 14 years. I always thought i knew who they were…but being able to share a room, a bathroom and a tiny refrigerator in a 20 sq. meter condo was a totally different experience…I learned that Has is one of the most patient girl with the widest sense of open mindedness. I learned that Eng has grown to be more than a pretty face but a woman with character, substance and principles. I learned that Christine, although almost ready to be a bride, still has that childlike heart. I learned that Joanne, though almost absent the whole year through, still is a part of this group….and I learned that even without Anne with us, we will still continue to keep her part of the happenings….Bottomline is, I learned that i am trully blessed to have these girls with me…Not only do they know, believe and understand me, they also accept me for who i trully am….complete with my strengths and failures…

Now, were back to our own little worlds…and i miss them dearly…i miss the early morning struggle to wake up and the constant fighting over the mirror…and even if i’m back in my spacious room with my comfy bed and 4 pillows, i find myself missing the feeling of having to hug just one old pillow while being able to talk and listen endlessly about each others’ daily struggles…Until next time brus….Hong Kong awaits!